its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize