the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
