I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
