A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
