I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
