Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
