No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
