i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
