I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
