my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize