dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
