I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
