WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
