I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
