dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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