Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
