So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
