anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
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