He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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