end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
this is an emotional support booty call
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
