i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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