I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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