Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
