Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Farmville is her only friend.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize