you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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