I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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