All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
