i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
