I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
