Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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