I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
