She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
