The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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