be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
