John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
