apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
