So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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