Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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