I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
