I feel like abortions should bother me more
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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