I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
