How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
barbara walters just said penis...
im six kinds of drunk right now
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
