I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
