I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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