I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
as a side note pls kill me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
