you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
