I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
