you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
