mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
