Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
