we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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