great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize