Where did you get a picture of my penis
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
