Midget sex pt 2 tonight
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
