We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
