Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
