Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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